Friday, 17 May 2013

Glamour Magazine has devised us all a personal business plan

Above is the June 2013 copy of Glamour magazine. I've read this mag for well over ten years now because it's definitely one of the better ones out there - most of the time. I love the size of it and it's a good mix of fashion, make-up, serious and fun things. Some of it is more on the laughable side however and lately I've noticed more of a cod feminist tone to the mag. They seem keen on pushing the whole women in business thing and this resulted in an unintentionally hilarious Start your own beauty business...with tips from the women who did it their way piece.

First up is Thea Green MBElol, founder of Nails Inc. Her "success secrets" include: 
  • Never give up and remember, the best is yet to come. Pure fortune cookie.
  • Surround yourself with a team that you believe in. That doesn't mean anything.
  • Know what your competition is doing. Monkey meet typewriter.
  • Listen to the customer and only launch something you know they'll love. Because, like, y'know, gals don't wanna buy stuff they don't like and everything, d'yaknowwhaddamean yeah?!!
Along with all the other interviewees she also gives us her ultimate make-up items, because how could you possibly think without it, sugar tits? "Frig off," I said aloud, disappointed that my hopes for even slightly serious industry talk had been dashed.

Next up was the professional dumbo Louise Redknapp, twittering: "I discovered that if you focus on your goals, you'll get there." How about focusing on an actual solid business tip for this article then, moron. Her 4-point business plan goes like this:
  • Stick to what you believe in. The Easter bun.
  • Be confident when you're making decisions. Already am, bitch.
  • Take advice from people who have done it before. Meaningless Mantras R Us.
  • Don't be scared to follow your instincts. You're talking shit on purpose now, 'knapp.
Her last tip is a real winner: "In business you are bound to make mistakes, but the most important thing is that you learn from them." What, even bankruptcy, you USELESS TIT? Let me give you the business tip Mrs Redknapp really wanted to give, but didn't: ALREADY BE A MILLIONAIRE.

 Over the page are two people called Anna-Marie Solowij and Millie Kendall, apparently co-directors of BeautyMART. They claim that "the easiest part of launching...was staff recruitment - we found most of our girls on Twitter!" Ok, got it: launch my beauty business, get a few girls off Twitter round. I'm sure that's the way Warren Buffett did it. They also advise:
  • Be flexible and open-minded - there will always be a way to improve the idea that you had in the first place. Duh. My play group teacher beat that into me.
  • Aside from hiring a great lawyer, it's about having a true vision. Hire a WHAT now?
  • Be prepared to work hard and gather funds as early as possible. Doing a whip-round as I type.
  • You also need a real knowledge of brands and the market. Shit, shit, shit shit shit. We're all talking bullshit. 
  • The energy of it and the way our staff get fired up about new ideas; it's like having a large, unruly family. Not surprised if you got them off Twitter, love. They're probably all half-addled on crack.
Last up is Shelley Barratt of ModelCo Cosmetics. In a total coincidence that very same company happens to be supplying next month's free gift with Glamour. She advises me to, "Follow your passion and once you've decided what route to take, make sure you're always at the top of your game." It's 3-for-1 on poorly-formed metaphors at ModelCo, don't all rush. Thanks, Shelley, after that pep talk I now feel ready to take the business world by storm. We are told her business mantras are as follows: 
  • Have a good back-up plan because not all ideas work out. Even if it fails, you'll gain lots of experience and extend your skills. Yeah, if you go bankrupt and end up in prison you'll learn lots of new things, like how to make a knife out of toilet paper and spittle alone. Precious.
  • Understand what you're going into. I thought I was going into the world of cosmetics, when it's more about retail and logistics. Fascinating stuff there, Shelley, best save it for your therapist.
  • Learn to multi-task - you have to be aware of what's going on in each department and switch your mind from one to the other quickly. Try a daily Brainteaser, my love.
  • Be up for a challenge; if running a business was easy, everyone would be doing it. Are you saying I'm thicker than Louise "Tragically Born Without A Brain" Redknapp? Oh.
And... I'm ready to be an Avon Lady! Thank you, ladies, for such an inspiring round of meaningless drivel. You are all true artistes and I'm so glad you all made your fortunes as such wonderfully verbose bullshit merchants.

PS: Later, in a truly Glenda Slagg style interview with Gwyneth Paltrow, Glamour managed to reach new depths of bilge by declaring that the actress's marriage to Chris Martin is "so famous that only royalty could surpass it". Happy Face Palm Friday.

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