Friday, 12 July 2013

Lush products are awful dot com

Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world who doesn't want to french Lush Cosmetics. A perfunctory search of ye olde internette, however, informs me that I am far from alone in my disregard for them. Don't you just love it when that happens? Nothing like a good hate read. Anyway, the number of Lush fanatics out there is scary - FYI apparently they call themselves "Lushies" which sounds so Jessi Slaughter it's hilar. Such is their wild-eyed devotion to bath bombs, I hear they go absolutely nuts if anyone dares say a bad word about their precious Lush, like some kind of Belieber/animal rights activist hybrids. Put your balls on chill, bitches, because it's 'bout to get real ugly up in this post. Mais oui, blogs abound with sycophantic "reviews" of enorm caskets hampers of those stinky Lush things and YouTube gurus - now there's a stupid word - positively rave about them. It's all lost on me, I'm afraid, so shove the sales patter up your arses. Been there, don't it, got the face rash.

Lushies, take a rasping, shallow breath, because you're going to h8 me. I HATE Lush products. They stink. They look like a 5-year-old made them in their sandpit. I would rather douse myself in industrial cleaning fluid than ever use one again - I'd probably have less of a reaction. I first heard of Lush yonks ago when I got a box of their bath things as a Christmas present. You know the kind - the ones that look like Play-doh. ALL OF THEM, in other words. Lurid colours, idiotic names and sweet, icky smells were very much the order of the day. I discreetly shut the box tight and put it to one side until I felt strong enough to actually throw one in my bath. Well, reader, much like your last boyf they fizzed very briefly and left me with nothing at all other than perhaps a lingering sense of shame. At £5 a pop. Blow me. Doesn't sound like much of a business model but it works for them - Mark Constantine, the twatty, gypsy-loving head honcho, is said to be worth a couple of hundred mill. Cushti job. I continued to use the bath things very infrequently and each time was left with slight patches of eczema in delicate places, as I am prone to after using something very harsh in the bath. Yes, Lushies, very harsh. My mum found exactly the same thing and she can use way more things than I can without getting a reaction. Because here's the thing: the whole "we're so pure and natural" vibe is rendered totally erroneous when you look at the ingredients. Parabens, perfume, sulphate. Very sheety, non? 

The thing that really turned me against them, though, was this pretend newspaper thing, the Lush Times, that I still get sent a couple of times a year. It's really annoying and God do I know annoying. It's got 5000 of the rubbish plasticine bath things presented by non-gender specific emplyees and a mahoosive selection of other skincare products. As in things you put on your face. I should have known but in my younger naive days I was extremely susceptible to a bit of the old sales patter - AKA lies. "This will cure my acne? This will stop my hair being greasy? £5 postage on top? Yes please, mister!" I trilled as I sent away my order form. Oh dear. I think the first one I tried was the Aqua Marina one. £6, thank you very much - chalk it up. I believed with all my little heart that it would make the acne go away but lawd. I've never had a reaction like that, even from Benzoyl Peroxide 5 twice daily. Do the words bumpy, itchy, cystic mess bring the image to life? No? Try Elephant woMan. Oh-em-gee. It drove me mad, because I so wanted it to work but after only two days I was forced to give up. What the heck do they put in there, itching powder? Not that it put my zeal to bed. After reading the amazing claims about the Fresh Farmacy cleanser in the Lush Times - God, that sounds douchey - I happily ordered away and tried again with that. Ping! £5 p+p not inc. Same reaction. Acne worse. Really quite farcical. Too angry for verbs. I think my little brain realised for sure at that time that Lush products were decidedly no bueno but that didn't stop someone buying me a new batch of them the next Xmas - relatives, eh? Can't keep 'em down. These included the Mask of Magnaminty which absolutely promised to get rid of that darned acne but by now a pattern and formed and my DNA simply refused to accept any contact with Lush. LOL. This disgusting gritty paste is like something your dad would use to pebble dash the house - I mean really, what is it? Colgate and gravel? It has the most awful synthetic fragrance and is pretty much no good for anything - least of all acne. I went on to try a solid shampoo - "Mummy! Mummy! I feel dirty" - and a "revolutionary" solid deoderant. A smelly time was had by all. Overall my point is that Lush products are very expensive and not up to scratch. The packaging, which like the rest of this harebrained brand they clearly believe to be highly subversive, is a disgrace. That's the truth but unfortunately a lot of people are blinded by the eco tactics. 

The best thing about Lush is that they test on willing human specimens rather than rubbing their stuff in some poor bunny's eye, but apparently some animal testing stunt they pulled last year was so sick it made all this feel a bit hollow. I think I might also have read that they are a little bit sparse with the truth because they do test individual ingredients on animals. Or maybe that was The Body Shop? Can't remember, sorry. Put down your hatchets, Lushies.

As a side note, it always amuses me to think of conversations being brought to a very unhappy end when people say: 

-OMG I love your perfume! What is it?
-Gorilla...by Lush

I know they're hippies but now they're just being SILLY.

13 comments:

  1. I found this post through the comment you left on mine, I have to say I laughed all the way through this. So true! I can't use their bath OR shower products any more, I used to get yeast infections and it ended up being a two year battle. I'm completely fine now but I totally resent the brand for triggering that big mess off. This is definitely going in my round up.

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    1. Ooh such a lovely comment! I'm glad I'm not the only one that can't tolerate Lush in any form. Thanks :)))

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    2. Ew. No one gives a shit about your yeast infection.

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  2. You hate a body company so much you made a blog about it? How bored with life are you?

    Seriously how bitter of a person can you be to hate a company that uses ethical practices, doesn't test on animals, and makes people smell less like shit?! Poor poor you...

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    1. If it caused you such a bad reaction you wouldn't be very happy, I have used their Daddy-O shampoo and had no bad reaction to it but that's not to say someone else wont, I don't really like putting SLS on my body or face but i'm not gonna go on someones blog an attack them for maybe using products with it in it, if it works for them great, it's always good when someone finds something that works for them, everybody is different and reacts differently to certain products, even a person can react differently over time to a product they have been using on and off for a few years.

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  3. I think someone needs a hug. Lol, I just googled lush after xmas sale and found this blog. Wow, well I'm happy to say I never had these types of experiences with Lush products. I agree, they are pricey so I've googled making my own shea butter bars and scrubs. So far, so good. I LOVE their Snow Fairy and that's why I was going to go there tomorrow but after reading this, maybe I can make my own recipe. We shall see. Peace for 2014 and always

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  4. Lush is the best skincare ever! This is coming from a girl who shops at sephora only. My skin looks flawless! They don't play around with ingredients! When I use lush I feel like in feeding my skin. I reap the benefits. You are truly not sane because everyone loves lush. It's my goto now.

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  5. Finally some1 who hates lush like me i thought u didn't exist

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  6. Thank you Jesus!! I hate Lush!! The shit stinks and FYI the bath bombs with all the weeds, twigs and berries stop up your tub. Just saying.

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  7. I am late to the party here but I laughed, I howled and was very amused by this post. I too... am not a fan. I was once one of those "lushies" and drank the Jim Jones, or I mean Big Constatine kool-aid. Then the economy took a nose dive and I was not able to throw away so much money on bath crap. I found products that work better, and were budget friendly. Lush greenwashes the hell out of everything and they aren't all they proclaim to be. I have to give them credit for their brilliant marketing and brainwashing skills. I wonder if any of the marketing team was ever a pentecostal preacher? I am so happy I jumped off the Lush bandwagon. I am so happy I found the beauty brains blog from cosmetic formulators and I am so grateful for your lovely and funny post.

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  8. This post is hella old, but I hate almost everything from Lush. My boyfriend gave me a giftcard and I was so ecstatic to order all of the items that the beauty guru's had gushed about. I hated just about every item. I think there are 5 off their whole website that I am okay with. And they made me pay almost 30 USD to return it all, because they don't do returns in stores.

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  9. I agree. I only like about 4 products from them (the coffee scrub, the mint lip scrub, the ocean bath bomb, and the one bubble bar that i can't think of). Everything that is supposed to smell floral or like vanilla smells like old women and second hand shoppes.

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