God knows how this stunning piece of news escaped my attention but maybe it's because I don't sit here Googling her name every day. The Honey Boo Boo of France, Nabilla Benattia, almost murdered her little flower of a boyf, Thomas Vergara, the other week.
IKR? I can't even!!!!1! Certainly came out of left field. It is claimed that the almost murder happened when Madbilla and Thomas had a screamer of a row and she kindamaybe definitely stabbed him in the chest till he nearly died of it. Yikes. La grosse salope. I mean who even does that? Further evidence that French chicks are cray cray and will leave you for dead, fellas. The DM also informs me that Twatbilla was charged last year for spitting at someone who was just doing their job on the train. Not only is she a dog, she's a camel. Kim Kardashian, Fatbilla's brain-dead idol, may be annoying but at least she doesn't go around phlegming at people and stabbing them through the chest half to death.
And how did Blowbilla handle this PR disaster? With really stupid selfies, duh. Including this sensitively timed lolmovember one. That must make Poor Thomas's family feel really good, right? It wasn't enough that she trapped him in her web to begin with, she then took him to Shiv City, return flight extra. Of course Flabilla is pleading self-defense but is there ever really a plausible excuse for burying a knife in someone's breast, really? I admit his off-duty Conchita Wurst look with that little ponytail might drive anyone to the kitchen drawer full of sharp things but yo' gonna pay gurl. She faces 30 years of hot lesbian shower sex if found guilty and Reality TV purgatory if not. Either way her face won't be leaving the cover of French Bella magazine any time soon.
I don't know about other countries around the world but here in the UK there is a piece of urban legend imbued in us from the moment we come into the world: that French women are more beautiful, sexy, thin, chic, clever and generally Ah! La la! than we the eengleesh pigs could ever dream of being. We are by turns slutty, dowdy, easy, badly-dressed, under-dressed, too much make-up, not enough make-up, stupeed and enjoy talking to dogs too much. We are also fat with breasts shaped like squashy pears, an afront to their perky little bee stings. If we put out we're slags, if we don't we're frumpy asexuals dead below the waistband. Basically, we can't do right for doing wrong and they love to let us know about it. Having just perused Twitter I can recount many Tweets slagging us off - all you have to do is search "les anglaises" and "moche" and it's a real treasure trove - for example, some jumped-up tart who says: "Why in England do the hot mixed race guys go out with the ugly white English girls? #WTF" Another is certain that English guys are ok but us gals? Fugly! Nothing like a bit of xenophobic generalisation in 2013, is there? That's why I think we need to rewrite our notions of Frenchy girls as total babes. If they can be mean, we can be meaner. I think I've found the perfect specimen to help in this cause. Step forward Nabilla Benattia:
What an elegant young lady! Such poise and dignity! And how cute that she borrowed her 5-year-old sister's bikini. Psych. Bitch look beat up, like she's been doing it for money for at least fifty years. Pretty hilar to learn, then, that she is twenty. Not dog years - actual human years. Now that's a #WTF. She's got horrible stringy hair, appalling dress sense, a shit tit job probably done in Bucharest, a face that only a mother could love and the kind of personality that makes you want to be Helen Keller. Practically identical to our own Z-list loser Chelsee Healy, then:
I should be honest now and point out that Nabilla isn't actually French, she is Swiss. You have to give it to Switzerland, they've come up with some good shiz over the years like Phil Collins, cuckoo clocksand Toblerone Paypal and Rolex, but they are known for being a bit...odd, too. Hiding the Nazi gold wasn't very nice, they are precise in a weird, psycho way and I have heard they - honestly - force kids at school to eat their own sick. That could explain the photo at the top now I think about it. Every year when Wimbles is on I pray that Federer - who I've labelled the Swiss Priss - will get Rogered. But for the purposes of this blog post, let's count Nabilla as a Frenchie - after all SWZ is one of those countries that's a bit German, a bit French, without a real culture of it's own. She's a big sleb in France, where she has featured in several reality TV shows - a similar figure to that odd creature Amy Childs, I would say:
...a kind of down market Kim Kardashian, in other words. Nabilla's celebrity attained cult status due to one immortal line uttered during her time on one show, Reality TV Angels, as seen here:
Non, mais allô quoi has - ridiculously - since featured in ads for Ikea and Carrefour, and generally taken on a life of its own. Nabs has even trademarked it, just like that douchebag Paris Hilton did in the 00s with "That's hot!" Non, mais allô quoi® translates as No, but like hello? while doing a telephone hand as though someone has lost their sanity. It seems Valley Girl has finally invaded France - remember how crazy we all went for Clueless and Mean Girls catchphrases? Nabilla also bears more than a passing resemblance to a certain Vicky Pollard.
It's really taken off as a catchphrase across the Channel and Like, hello? has become the new way to show your derision for something. It's hardly up there as far as classic catchphrases go but as recent utterances including simples and confused.com took off in such a big way here, I'm hardly going to judge.
Miss Benattia must be blowing all the right guys over in Hollywood because TMZ have made a really annoying video of her:
Anyway, I hope that Nabilla has proved to you that even the home of philosophy isn't immune to the reality TV virus and that the Frenchies can do chavs just as much as we can. I admit that what Nabilla inspires is far from adulation - it's more a case of the tweens thinking she's so cool and aspirational, while the rest of the country mocks the crap out of her. Next time someone says how far superior French women are to us, please wear a knowing smile. Like, hello?
