Tuesday, 3 February 2015
Awkward Snapchat encounter
He sent me a DM on Snapchat that said, "Who are you?" So I replied "Someone who finds you hot." Douchius extremis, I know. When my school friends said I couldn't talk to boys, it stuck big time. Anyway, this must have flattered his over-inflated ego somewhat, for he replied: "Hahahaha." Then he said, "And you?" wanting me to send a pic of myself. Urgh. This has ended in disaster before so I wrote, "Nah, too ugly for you," and he said, "Can I see?" When a hot guy is begging you for anything it's pretty hard to say no and I felt my resistance slipping. Quickly I went back to the start of my camera roll and found the best photo of my adult self that exists. I mean, it's getting on in years itself now, but it wasn't like I was going to take a selfie right there on my iPad camera. The idea wasn't to make him actually vomit. So anyway, I sent him the best photo of me that exists which would be anyone else's worst ever. Five minutes went by. Ten minutes. Fifteen. He was either wanking over it, uploading it to Imgur or just loling. Dry heaving? Anything's possible. Then he replied. "Ok." Ok. Isn't that the most crushing reply to a shy selfie in the whole history of the world? Pretty sure it is.
Next he wanted to know what my Instagram ID was because he couldn't remember how he'd found me. Cripes. How to breeze past this clusterfuck without revealing that my IG profile is, um, um, kinda catfish and that I'm only on there to look at his pics? Trying to be all casual like I said, "Oh I don't use IG, I can't remember how I found you, I don't understand Snapchat *crying with laughter smiley* (because that makes any statement instantly fucking hilarious)." But unconvinced he wanted to know my Twitter or Facebook profile. This guy might be gorgeous but stuff like that is such a dick move and so rude. I didn't want to give him those so I gave him my imessage ID and said he could message me there. Which (obviously) he never did. I am such a fucking loser. Then he kept asking me for more pics, more pics. Well, sorry but I'm not a supermodel, nor am a whore, so it's not like I have an album of sexy n00dz I can just send out willy-nilly on demand. I sent him a really lame one of the jeans I had on and he sent me one back of what could've been a slight boner under his jeans. The thrilling world of Snapchat, ladies and gents. I made some lame joke about, oh is that an anaconda in your pants and he said, "No, small dick." I think he was fed up with my reticence by then and our conversation ended. I should have left it there. Go out on a high like Brucie Forsyth, you know?
But I am so desperate, insecure and ugly that I waited a few days and went back in. I sent him a surprisingly cute pic of part of my body - and not between the legs before you start thinking that. Just a part of my body that wasn't my highly unfortunate face. So a while later I saw he'd replied. And what delightful comment would he make - would he even send a pic of his own body back? Nah. He'd written, "And?" Wow. If "ok" was crushing, the blunt "and?" is an even ruder way to respond to an insecure and annoying girl's selfie. At this point I got pissed off and decided to stop talking to him ever again, to go back to stalking his pics from afar. But guess what? The twat blocked me. Yes, actually blocked me. It's certainly a new low for my love life I must say. If a 30-year-old man has to act like such a little bitch then it doesn't matter how good-looking he is, I can't be bothered with him, and he was so boring to talk to. "And?" and "Ok" do not a conversation make. I could simply make another account and stalk him anew on that but I just don't want to know him any more. Romantic life 2.0: hell.