Friday, 30 January 2015

French Slebs: Swagg Man

Dear France: you're making this waaaay too easy.

I first noticed the inhuman form of Swagg Man a while ago but had him filed away under Twats I Will Choose To Ignore, until today when he popped up during a YouTube binge.

Swagg Man is without doubt the most idiotic, pointless waste of oxygen I have ever seen. Thank Christ, then, that for once a fool of epic proportions does not hail from the British Isles. Let's all feel extreme second hand embarrassment for France, for that is the appalling country that spawned this monstrosity.
Hang thy head in shame, Twatt Man
Since I last encountered his mouldy face and body, his popularity has been on the ascendant. He has an album out, his YT videos and vlogs get millions of views, he has 125k followers on Twitter and over two million on Facebook. This surely warrants a text to the French consul saying, "U ok hun?"
El Doucheo
Swagg Man is trying hard, so hard, to get a name for himself with highly controversial antics: he wants your grandma to suck his dick without her dentures in; he lines the toilet seat with cash; he burns cash; he wipes his boogers on cash. He boasts of being part of the "AIDs Gang" and his album is called Sexually Tranmitted Music. Ah, a true artiste. He drives a Lamborghini and a Bentley, he smokes cigars and flips the bird. Fucking revelatory ain't it.
Poor Swaggy Doggy :'( Your owner is a twat of epic proportions
Swagg Man's real name is Rayan Balarfa Sanches, he is Brazilian-Tunisian and owns the admittedly adorable Swaggy Doggy. You may notice that Swagg Man has undergone extensive tattooage, which include a liberal smattering of the Louis Vuitton monogram over his thick scalp, numerous red lipstick marks, leopard print, a Picachu, his own face, "every day is my birthday", "Mum's" - like, what even? He mean the cheapo wine? - slutty pin-ups and a load of other solid looking shit that's pretty much forming into a huge dirty mass over his entire flesh. Ewww. In line with the American counterparts he seeks to emulate so desperately, Swagg Man has invented his own way of speaking and he has these trademark pseudo-American catchphrases, the most frequent and well-known being POSEY. This makes up a good 40% of his speech with another 40% being "bro" at the end of every clause. Posey is derived from posé, meaning serious, and is apparently delivered in what the French believe to be an American accent. It's basically Swagg Man's version of Lil Jon's YEAH or Dappy's Na-Na-Ni if you'd like a British comparison. In fact Swagg man is extremely similar to Dappy in many aspects of his persona: they both have the same mixed race looks, they both make a poor attempt at appropriating black American culture and they are both in denial of their own nationality. 
Purely for research purposes I got on a Swagg Man binge to see what he gets up to. The most amazing thing about him is how camp he is. He must be the biggest gay icon in France right now. Whether he's being interviewed in the bath or having his makeup done in a leopard print blouse, his feminine, limp-wristed mannerisms and what seems to be lipgloss rather detract from the machsimo he is so desparately trying to attain. I think the most vile video I watched was the one where he was lying in bed surrounded by ladies fetish shoes all around and he was openly disrespecting the dollar with pleasure.
No one loves me :(
He also made a really lame soft porn reggaeton video though mercifully we avoid seeing what his miniscule cho-cho is decorated with. It's hilarious that he doesn't realise "Ay Papi" isn't something a heterosexual man is usually comfortable saying. 

In many ways Swagg Man is a perfect illustration of France's love-hate relationship with America, on one hand being a ludicrous and fraudulent imitation of his rap idols, on the other committing the ultimate dicourtesy of defiling their currency. As someone on Reddit said, "Why do the French people emulate only the stupidest of American ways?"

Swagg Man's music is a craptacular attempt at the Pitbull type of genre: he's got no flow, no rhythm, so most of his songs are just lists of luxury brands. He wouldn't know a catchy hook if it bit him.
Guns are so trendy in Paris rn
A lot of the buzz about him in France comes from Swagg Man's bragging about being a multi-millionaire businessman. He claims to own restaurants and innumerate luxury properties including palaces (lol now you've gone too far) in Miami, Dubai, Brazil and Tunisia. Not France though..huh, funny that. His social media accounts are a constant stream of Rolexes, foul-looking bling and bundles of cash. But it's extremely obvious to me that the cash is just toy money he prints out of his HP Deskjet and that the jewellery is fake shit he buys off a market stall. Like duh. Maybe the tattoos did cost a lot but then again maybe he used his benefit money, maybe it's free if you agree to be their practice board. Maybe his parents* are well off and indulgent of him but having seen a pic of Swagg Nan that seems laughably untrue, boo. Swagg Man a gazillionaire? Nah. If nothing else he seems remarkably unconcerned about Flanby's infamous 75% tax. I mean he also claims to be part-time resident in Miami and, God, he can't speak English for shit and is obviously an inexperienced tourist. In other words, rappers lie. They all make out they're rich and shit when in actuality they're unemployed without a pot to piss in, wank over the Grattan catalogue and cry themselves to sleep every night. Besides, no real millionaire makes shitty informercials for Lovoo.
Y u so cool, Swagg Man
As pathetic and gross as Swagg Man is, I have to applaud him for being totally unpretentious and having fun with his image at the expense of his entire human dignity, something a large percentage of the French population could learn from. The more you watch him, the more you see he has a certain kind of charm, an open-heartedness. He is smiley and friendly with everyone he speaks to, even if mimicking oral sex with every woman he meets is a little uncivilised. 
Young SM was kinda hot tbh
Swagg Man, Rayan, if you're reading this, with the help of Google Translate: just stop acting like such a fucking shitbag all the time. You don't need to pretend to be Lil Wayne to get attention. Cut back on the Americanisms, it sounds really stupid to people who speak English. You're still young. You've got nice teeth, you're actually pretty funny. There's real charisma behind this weird facade you put on all the time. They're building bigger lasers all the time that could one day take care of the worst of your facial ink. Saying you are a better rapper than the legendary Tupac Shakur is going to make every American hate you before they've even had a chance to get acquainted with the frankly genius refrain "G-G-G-G-G-GOSS TRISOW". There's probably some musicality in there somewhere that could allow you to pen a decent song, a song with a traditional structure, real feeling and for Christ's sake a melody. Quit copying Lil Wayne, who everyone loathes anyway. Don't make up stories about being rich because you feel terrible inside about being dirt poor. Being poor is nothing to be ashamed of, au contraire. Revelling in your own self-hatred is a losing game and if your career has no longevity, you are going to be stuck looking for a job at the hypermarket covered in those ludicrous etchings - which by the way, might one day lead to skin or vital organ cancer /sadface. Learn to be honest with yourself, then be honest with your fans who do some pretty crazy shit to support you no matter what. You can be a better person, Swagg Man. And please treat the adorable Swaggy Doggy with kindness because he really is the inncoent victim of all of this. I'm happy to dogsit if needs be.

Love, The Internet X

PS. Please get with Miss Nabilla Benattia. You are literally perfect for each other.
[Not actual Nabilla]
*For some reason a lot of Frenchies actually believe that a Kenyan president is Swagg Man's dad even though they all look like this if you comprende:
"Swagg Man I am your father"

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