Saturday, 23 November 2013

Wankiest internet bios of all time

You don't have to look far for annoying, boastful biographies on blogs, Twitter and elsewhere. Those ones obviously written in the third person tend to top the bill for me - we all know you wrote it yourself, lame-lame. Plus those where you know it's a one-person business and it's all WE and US. Anyway, I thought it would be kinda hilar to dig out some of the silliest ones I've encountered - there are so many, though, that this is a mere hors d'oeuvre. Other than slebs, I'll keep people's names out of it for the most part - we wouldn't want to puncture their massive egos now, would we?


Eva Longoria: "Actress, Activist, and Philanthropist"

Perez Hilton: "Perez Hilton is a proud dad! He is also the creator and writer of one of the most famous websites in the world. And he loves music and musicals - a lot!"

Jennifer Love Hewitt: "Twitter whisperer"

Lindsay Lohan: "Artist of many things"

Keri Hilson: "Designer of audible art; lover of all things houndstooth; candle enthusiast; appreciator of design; I dream in color; sleep sold separately"

Sarah Silverman: "We’re all just molecules, Cutie."

Kevin Smith: "It begins with me covered in sperm, trapped in my old man’s balls. Then, suddenly… ESCAPE!"

All anons:
"I brand stuff. With... my... MIND."

 "I write about … how to be a better writer. Which really means I write about … being understood. Which really means I write about … love."

"International playgirl, radical self love revolutionary & false eyelash addict!"

"PhD student in Applied Linguistics researching authenticity and technology in French textbooks. I love languages, traveling, science, animals, and equality."

"Helping you drop jaws with your marketing since the beginning of time (rough estimate). See: PIZAZZ. Because what other word do you know with THREE Z'S IN IT?"

"I'm freedom fighter for women who want to find their calling, master fears + complete the impossible. Spiritual detective, thought sleuth & dream tender."

"Currently training in the sport of extreme self-care. Sprinkling empowerment dust on sweet, sensitive people."
"Coach. Instigator of ease. Hunger-satisfier. Well-fed woman. Curious about what you are TRULY hungry for."

"Best-selling author, coach, champion of creative joy, speaker, teacher of teachers, spreader of satisfaction, curious s-hero, and generally awe struck at it all"
"Health Coach. Author of Salad Alchemy. Writer of other things. Curator of beautiful. In service to you."

"I help peeps, like YOU, leverage their weird through their branding and marketing. Let's show off your inner freak!"

"20 some years of dysfunction and self sabotage. Powered by sarcasm, cynicism, and caffeine. Mother to 2 dogs and 5 cats; has struggled with trust for as long as I can remember but loves with everything that I am; comes across as overly critical to some but to those that know me, recognize I am critical because I care. Has a tendency to be too generous and is often taken advantage of because of that generosity; Struggling to find my purpose in life beyond being a wife."
"I'm _____, the author of _____ and an editor for _____. ____ is my husband. He's a hair stylist. We run an online shop called _____. I make headbands; he draws. We both love Jesus and have committed our lives to serving God… of course, we constantly fail, but we keep trying. ____ is our beautiful, perfect daughter, born on 20 October 2011.

 ____ is an artist. I love to dance. We both enjoy being creative.
 _______ likes:
talking, Tangled, the city, taking walks, gardens, flowers, scheming, and dreaming.
 ____ likes:
galleries, basketball, being a beer snob, bumping into people he knows, riding bikes, and art supply stores.
______ likes:
music, chats with Momma, milk, the ceiling fan, going on adventures, Disneyland, and hollering.
We like:
coffee, magazines, San Francisco, our two kitties, Gretel & Lily, good food, music, travel, and nature."

"Passionate. Driven & determined. Eternal optimist. Has a thirst for knowledge. Impeccably sharp focus. Lover of arts and culture. Scientifically curious mind. Gets much pleasure in appreciating the beauty of the world, nature and all the small things in between.."

"well hi there! my name is sara without an h. i'm a quirky brown haired, brown eyed girl living in SLC; but dreaming of life in NYC. my husband is camden, a blonde haired, blue eyed hunk and fashion guru who knows everything and anything about bikes and womens shoes. a little white haired fluff man named kramer is our dog who we love like our child and we three live in the heart of the city trying to figure out this little thing called life. this blog is where i try and do just that while sharing my home, family, personal style and design tips + small things and tidbits i pickup along the way. welcome to the land of chalk white arrow."

"Mediterranean born and Midwestern raised, Em lives the seacoast New England life with her husband and nutty Cairn Terrier. Though not a native of the city, she is in love with all things Boston and is quite sure that her heart has always belonged beside the Atlantic. Even the accent is coming along nicely (at least when it comes to saying Worcester, and ordering coffee). She is red, white, and blue, to the core, but there is a special part of her heart reserved for every other country she has been lucky to call home. She still misses the blue waters of the Adriatic, the purple trees of South Africa, and the heaven that is Italian gelato. The sound of mandolin music is likely to make her dance or cry (though she can never guess which), and the scent of fig trees in the hot sun will always warm her heart.
      "Visiting her grandfather in Switzerland as a young girl ignited a love of travel that has never diminished (and a love of Switzerland, for that matter). She dreams of having a Guinness in Ireland, shopping for tartan in Scotland, drinking high tea in London, marveling at flamenco dancers in Spain, visiting the birthplace of Adolphe Sax in Belgium, enjoying tarte Tatin in Paris, soaking in the hot springs of Iceland …….
       "Em speaks two languages, dabbles in a couple more, and like most European children can curse quite well in at least three. She plans on collecting foreign languages along with the stamps in her passport. Next up : Welsh.
         "Em’s world traveling childhood has resulted in very eclectic taste in everything from food, to music, to fashion. She is a little bit Audrey (Hepburn, of course), and a little bit rock n’ roll. A lover of extremes and contradictions, she is equally likely to fall in love with the very delicate and very bold, rough and frilly, minimalist and glamorous. She is constantly working to make her closet, and her home, match the motley mosaic that is her personality.
        "Never one to take a straight path in life, she has zig-zaged from dreams of recording movie soundtracks, to two Psychology degrees, to a flirtation with metalsmithing, to a passion for design. Em believes strongly that every day is a special occasion, and we should all try to act accordingly. Most days you can find her annoying the neighbors with her Saxophone playing, endlessly people watching at coffee shops, mixing up classic cocktails, and burying her nose in books, from Freud, to Bronte, to Cutrone."

"I am ______, a designer and tastemaker with a deep passion for producing work from the rawest most instinctual forms. My husband and business partner, Mike and I are behind this curated place on the internet"

"I'm ____. I run triathlons, a few small businesses, after a baby, and when being chased by zombies. Welcome to my little corner of the blogworld. I'm glad you're here!"

"I like really good ideas, pear Jelly Bellies and cities. I dislike pain, cilantro, and poorly executed pedicures."

"My name is _______ and I love studying foreign languages. I graduated from ____ High School in 2000 as valedictorian with a perfect 4.0 GPA. I received my Bachelor's Degree from the University of _______in 2004, where I double majored in French & Linguistics and French & International Studies as well as minored in International & Global Studies. I was a tutor for my university in Linguistics, French and German as well as in the Writing Center and I was also involved in the Linguistics Club and International Student Organization.
     "I studied Québécois French at Université _____ in Québec City for 5 weeks in the summer of 2003. I completed my Master's degree in Linguistics with a specialization in Teaching English as a Second Language at _____ University in ______, in 2007. I was the Graduate Assistant for the Linguistics Department in 2005-2006 as well as an ESL instructor in the Intensive English Program.
    "After moving to France in late 2006, I worked as an English Language Assistant in ______, France, from October 2006 until April 2007 and in _____ from October 2007 to April 2008. Afterwards, I was an English lecturer at the Université de _____  in ______ from 2008 to 2010.
In July 2011, I relocated from France to Australia to begin my PhD in Languages & Linguistics. I have begun my research on the vocabulary presented in first and second year French textbooks used at Anglophone universities and how well they teach authentic, informal French as well as the vocabulary of other Francophone countries and regions besides France. I hope my research yields pedagogical recommendations that teachers and students will find useful on the teaching and learning of real French (as it is actually spoken across the globe) in addition to using technology to aid in the comprehension and acquisition of informal vocabulary.
    "My research interests are: second language acquisition and pedagogy, L2 vocabulary and phonological acquisition, informal and non-standard language, integrating technology into materials design, and developing autonomy in language learning. To summarize, I'm most interested in authenticity, autonomy and technology in language learning and prefer to focus on vocabulary and speaking/listening rather than on grammar and reading/writing.
     "You can view my C.V. if you're interested in my accomplishments and you can download some papers I wrote for my university coursework on the Linguistics page. Other than languages, I am also interested in world travel, Canadian and Australian studies, geography, astronomy, Greek & Roman mythology, Egyptology, biology, and pathology."

"Native Chicagoan, wife, daughter, sister, friend, professional career lady, social chair, fashionista, shoe whore, occasional runner, home chef, oenophile, party patrol, fine diner, avid reader, lover of all things Italian, ball of stress, Costco enthusiast, world traveler, expert shopper, sushi aficionado, rabid Illini fan, Real Housewives watcher, enthusiastic happy hour-er, entertainer, messy-yet-mildly-OCD, happy, family-oriented, and really, really ridiculously good looking. My motto? Work hard, live fabulously. "

1 comment:

  1. "well hi there! my name is sara without an h"
    HAHAH come on, really?


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