Monday, 1 July 2013

A cold, clinical look at the physical attributes of male tennis players

'Tis the season to be jolly! Yes, it's the most wonderful time of the year: mid-way through Wimbledon. As I have spent recent afternoons rigorously examining this year's totty looking tanned and taut in their bright whites, I thought it might be nice, nay necessary, to catalogue some of the beauty I have been treated to. Apologies for such a very low-brow way to blog. It's not like Bossy Thing will become the Kickette of tennis - "Smashette"? - but as a one off we'll let it fly. Some of them are in, some of them are out - of this year's tournament that is. So who's on the - by no means exhaustuve - list? Tempting as it is to say "all of them" and point you to the WTA website, I thought I'd pick the real stunners. So strap yourselves in and prepare for some awful tennis-based innuendoes and jaw-dropping n00dz.

Top 10 hottest male tennis players 2013:

10. Marcos Baghdatis (Cyprus)
Proud Cypriot Marcos might not be the most obvious looker, but he has a funny "bonkers" persona, as well as a nice beard and perpetual smirk. It all adds up to something undeniably sexy. Brilliantly he's looked exactly like this since he was merely a child in the junior tournament. His "skills" are hinted at in this pic:

9. Roger Federer (Switzerland)

I can't say His Royal Highness does it for me, but Roger has lots of lady fans. Both of them are adamant he's shit hot. Good source of Toblerone. Probably showers after sex. Has fat wife. 

8. Nicolas Almagro (Spain)
"Nicolas Almagro bulge" charmingly appears to have it's own Google images category - to which I can only say "Amen, seestas". Twenty-seven year old Nicol├ís is no biggie in the tennis stakes but don't let that put you off. He has plenty of other attributes to make up for it, like that aquiline schnoz and rumoured bad 'tude.  I wouldn't mind putting my hand in his pocket and feeling his tennis balls. If you are into homoerotics, may I refer you to this pictorial:

7. Fabio Fognini (Italy)
Fabio was lots of fun to watch at the French Open this year, or maybe he just had PMT that day? He was all over the place, to be frank, which would end in lols-aplenty if he became your next bf. Also likes posing for "artistic" pics. 

 6. Jo-Wilfried Tsonga (France)

"Jo-Willy" has eyes like a puppy dog, a sweet little face and a muscle-laden, caramel coloured body. What a nightmare. He's also posed nakey for Cosmo - complete with rudey quotables, see below - and if that gives you palpitations, just wait till he smiles. His on-court victory dance always makes me happy, and he does a brilliant shy French exchange student act throughout the tennis season.

5. Marat Safin (Russia)
Referred to as "that Russian one" when I scribbled my notes for this list, Marat Safin ticks many, many boxes. Sexy boxes, tall boxes, all sorts of boxes. What was I talking about? Ah, yes, Marat has the brutish looks of a swarthy foreign builder and has part of a Chinese menu tattooed on on his beefy upper. Technically retired, I still dream he will turn up at Wimbles anyway. According to his Wiki he said: "I'm Russian, but I'm 100% Muslim. All the Muslim people are passionate, stubborn. We have hot blood." DEAL.

4. Fernando Verdasco (Spain)
Imagine if he was your boyf and you could say: "I'm just popping to Nando's"? Wicked. A bit too hairless for my liking, FV is like an olive-skinned sexy seal below the neck. Facially not the best - sorry - but who's looking up there?

3. Novak Djokovic (Serbia)
"The Djoker" gets props for bringing the lolz as well as a darn fierce game to the courts. I became quite obsessed with him around 2008 but got over it when I noticed the unfortunate Screech resemblance (evidenced below). Very tanned and lean with pretty dark eyes, it's no wonder the ladies love Nole.

2. Grigor Dimitrov (Bulagria)
There's nothing vulgar about this Bulgar. Except his taste in wimmin. Grigor Dimitrov is currently bumping uglies with "Big" Maria Sharapova and has previous with Serena Williams, so we can safely be assured that HE REALLY DOESN'T HAVE A TYPE. Still only twenty-two, Griggles boasts a smokin' hawt face and body, though seems to have tragically suffered a bit of a personality bypass. Not that you'd really care if you were doing him.

1. Rafael Nadal (Spain)
Rafael Nadal: two words that result in simultaneous you-know-what across the solar system. Gay whispers serve only to add layer upon layer of intrigue, though a rumoured dalliance with Caro Wozniacki was a bit off-putting. His supposed long-term gf/fag hag Maria Francisca Perello is scarily gawjuss with the best curls ever. Never mind that, Rafa still lives at home with his mum, loves a spot of fishing, long walks on the beach, quiet nights in and - long hair aside - is probably the yummiest thing to ever step foot courtside. DAT ASS.

PS: Andy Murray is like a green banana right now but he'll be ripe soon.



    1. um what can i blame...drooling-induced dementia?


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