Freaky facts

Call me an autistic savant, but I happen to love interesting factoids. You know the kind of ones that, even if you were the prime prosecution witness in a gripping court case, you couldn't help but recount, at random? Love 'em. That's why I'm presenting you with eighty of the best right here. Enjoy, nerds!

1. Tomato ketchup was once sold as medicine.

2. Kleenex tissues were originally used as filters in gas masks. 

3. Cabbage is 91% water.

4. Henry Ford never had a driving licence.

5. A pig always sleeps on its right side.

6. Benito Mussilini would ward off the evil eye by touching his testicles.

7. The ferret was domesticated 500 years before the cat.

8. Apollo had twenty seconds of fuel left when it landed.

9. In 1915, William Wrigley Jr sent chewing gum to everyone in the phone book.

10. The oldest word in the English language is 'town'.

Warning: avoid eBay acid skin peels at all costs

You know when you impulse buy something really silly, then sit guppy-mouthing at it like an apocolypse zombie? Maybe it's being stuck in a heatwave I can only refer to as Trappuccino, but that's exactly what I did this week. The humidity has made my acne go from the quiet, weird lodger kind to the "I'm here and I'm queer" Asbo sort in a swift, messy coup. Panicked, I thought: "What I need is salicylic acid and lots of it", but with choices of such products being few and far between, I ridiculously ended up on eBay. What an idiot. 

When you search for salicylic acid on there, numerous products come up and I picked the first that did so, calling itself a skin peel. I thought that was just fine because I didn't want to use anything on my whole face, merely to spot treat the really nasty bastards - you know, the ones I'm scared people will Twitpic? Anywho, I admit information was a bit...economical, but they promised it was "made from only high quality ingredients, genuine concentrations, superior quality, introductory offer for a limited time!!!!1!" etc. Ok, I admit it, I should be made to take a special test before I can buy anything on eBay because I always fall for their ludicrous claims. Get me some sales patter immunity serum, stat. 

Nevertheless, and with one eyebrow firmly cocked in suspicion, I plodded on and bought the 5%. When I got the bottle the very next day, with instructions, let's just say it didn't exactly scream "pharmaceutical grade". It was more of the "poured into a Poundworld plastic bottle on the kitchen table" variety. I should have known it was seriously dodge when the instruction leaflet calmly stated: "Our 30% concentration is medical grade and should only be administered by professionals." Then why the hell are you selling it on eBay? It also stated that besides the alleged 5% of salicylic acid - who is even going to prove that? - the other ingredients were isopropyl alcohol and glycerine. Alcohol. It is my personal policy to never, ever use alcohol on my face. Take a look at how terrible it is for your skin - it causes cells to die for one thing. 

Anyway, for reasons of blogging integrity, I thought I must try out this junk and give it what no black man ever got: a fair trial. I sacrifice so, so much for you, Bossy Thing. With some trepidation, I took the bull by the horns. I do it all for you, dear reader. They recommended applying it with some fanbrush but I thought, Hell to the N-O. This pizza face needs every drop. So I opened it and got a little dab on my finger and...lawd. You know the stuff people use to clean blades and electrical components? Yeah? METHS? Yes, pretty sure this was meths, or something very similar, parading - rather unconvincingly - as a cosmetic formula. And I was about to put it on my face. That's one step away from toning with Cilit Bang or nail varnish remover - in fact, hold that thought because this here lists all the sort of things that routinely contain isopropyl alcohol, and it ranges from industrial metal cleaners AKA meths to car polish and antifreeze, and - oh look - nail varnish remover. Would you knowingly put nail varnish remover, or acetone, on your face? I don't think so. You might rinse this peel off after 2-3 minutes but gosh darn. This was a "genuine concentration" of neat alcohol all right.

So there I was; I very carefully dabbed a tiny drop onto my chin. Ouch. Instantly it was tingling, stinging, burning... That's because such a high concentration of pure alcohol stimulates the nerve endings, making the skin go red because it is being burnt. Don't be fooled into thinking that tingling means you can really feel a product working - it is your skin freaking out because you are casuing it serious harm! I lasted about a minute with it on my skin and I could feel the burn for hours after. But what do you really expect if you put meths on your face? The ironic thing was, I also came up in spots on that area - the very thing these eBay sellers tell you it will magically cure. That's because the alcohol dries the hell out of skin, conversely stimulating the pore into producing way more oil.

If I haven't yet convinced you and you are still determined to go ahead with a skin peel you bought on eBay, this is the Cosmetics Cop advice on doing peels at home:

We cannot stress enough how potentially dangerous these peels can be. If they're as effective as claimed or if they really contain the amount of acid(s) advertised and the pH is within range for them to work, you could be setting your skin up for some serious damage. In the wrong hands or used incorrectly or too often, at-home peels can cause burns, extremely sensitive skin, discolorations (from loss of pigment), and persistently dry, flaky skin that doesn't respond to even very rich moisturizers. If you decide to ignore our warnings and try this anyway, proceed with caution.

If someone came at you and threw acid in your face you would probably be devastated, so don't willingly mess with dangerous chemicals like this. It could leave you with terrible scarring. More than 1,300 people have sadly already bought the "peel" formula I did and if they are not as cynical as I am, they might have since done some terrible, irreparable damage to their skin. Don't fall for it. Try one of these topical commercial BHAs - they are safe and work a million times better.

To give a brief re-cap, using one of these products - which are little more than neat alcohol - is likely to:

• sting and burn, possibly leaving you with chemical burns
• make your skin peel off in strips - it is not safe for any at-home product to cause this
• make your skin oilier - causing more acne
• damage your skin's protective barrier layer, leaving it sensitised.

 Some of the self-proclaimed "brands" I urge you to avoid on the UK eBay include, among many others:

• Juvais
• MTY London
• Forever Young / Active Solutions
• British Institute of Skin

They are not to be trusted and I am amazed that what they do is legal. They knowlingly omit to mention in the product's description that the solution is alcohol-based - and if there is any salicylic in there at all it is probably negligible. I imagine that, unlike commercial cosmetic companies, they don't have to abide by strict regulations, if any at all.

What I'm saying goes for all the acid peels for sale on eBay - AHA, BHA, lactic, whatever. Don't do it.

While I am tempted to lobby Parliament to rid eBay of these dangerous, unlicenced products, I will instead take the more measured approach of telling eBay themselves to outlaw it. Please do the same. In the mean time, I am going to get a refund for this terrible product - having just about refrained from giving it to my brother to clean his chainsaw with.

10 YouTube funnies that always cheer me up

As a seasoned misery bear, I like to think I am quite well versed on things that - however superficially - rather cheer one up. YouTube videos especially have this effect on me. I can be feeling really rubbish, watch something hilar, and it's as though my sense of humour has been totally revitalised. Brill. Here's ten of the best:

1. Tomasz Schafernaker flips the bird
As well as being quite the hottie, the Schaf gives us a glimpse of some of the rage weathermen are really suppressing while they have to be all nicey-nicey as they present their climate observations. The look of utter horror as he realises he's been caught - replete with very bizarre consolatory chin scratch - must be one of the funniest things of all time.

Lush products are awful dot com

Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world who doesn't want to french Lush Cosmetics. A perfunctory search of ye olde internette, however, informs me that I am far from alone in my disregard for them. Don't you just love it when that happens? Nothing like a good hate read. Anyway, the number of Lush fanatics out there is scary - FYI apparently they call themselves "Lushies" which sounds so Jessi Slaughter it's hilar. Such is their wild-eyed devotion to bath bombs, I hear they go absolutely nuts if anyone dares say a bad word about their precious Lush, like some kind of Belieber/animal rights activist hybrids. Put your balls on chill, bitches, because it's 'bout to get real ugly up in this post. Mais oui, blogs abound with sycophantic "reviews" of enorm caskets hampers of those stinky Lush things and YouTube gurus - now there's a stupid word - positively rave about them. It's all lost on me, I'm afraid, so shove the sales patter up your arses. Been there, don't it, got the face rash.

Lushies, take a rasping, shallow breath, because you're going to h8 me. I HATE Lush products. They stink. They look like a 5-year-old made them in their sandpit. I would rather douse myself in industrial cleaning fluid than ever use one again - I'd probably have less of a reaction. I first heard of Lush yonks ago when I got a box of their bath things as a Christmas present. You know the kind - the ones that look like Play-doh. ALL OF THEM, in other words. Lurid colours, idiotic names and sweet, icky smells were very much the order of the day. I discreetly shut the box tight and put it to one side until I felt strong enough to actually throw one in my bath. Well, reader, much like your last boyf they fizzed very briefly and left me with nothing at all other than perhaps a lingering sense of shame. At £5 a pop. Blow me. Doesn't sound like much of a business model but it works for them - Mark Constantine, the twatty, gypsy-loving head honcho, is said to be worth a couple of hundred mill. Cushti job. I continued to use the bath things very infrequently and each time was left with slight patches of eczema in delicate places, as I am prone to after using something very harsh in the bath. Yes, Lushies, very harsh. My mum found exactly the same thing and she can use way more things than I can without getting a reaction. Because here's the thing: the whole "we're so pure and natural" vibe is rendered totally erroneous when you look at the ingredients. Parabens, perfume, sulphate. Very sheety, non? 

The thing that really turned me against them, though, was this pretend newspaper thing, the Lush Times, that I still get sent a couple of times a year. It's really annoying and God do I know annoying. It's got 5000 of the rubbish plasticine bath things presented by non-gender specific emplyees and a mahoosive selection of other skincare products. As in things you put on your face. I should have known but in my younger naive days I was extremely susceptible to a bit of the old sales patter - AKA lies. "This will cure my acne? This will stop my hair being greasy? £5 postage on top? Yes please, mister!" I trilled as I sent away my order form. Oh dear. I think the first one I tried was the Aqua Marina one. £6, thank you very much - chalk it up. I believed with all my little heart that it would make the acne go away but lawd. I've never had a reaction like that, even from Benzoyl Peroxide 5 twice daily. Do the words bumpy, itchy, cystic mess bring the image to life? No? Try Elephant woMan. Oh-em-gee. It drove me mad, because I so wanted it to work but after only two days I was forced to give up. What the heck do they put in there, itching powder? Not that it put my zeal to bed. After reading the amazing claims about the Fresh Farmacy cleanser in the Lush Times - God, that sounds douchey - I happily ordered away and tried again with that. Ping! £5 p+p not inc. Same reaction. Acne worse. Really quite farcical. Too angry for verbs. I think my little brain realised for sure at that time that Lush products were decidedly no bueno but that didn't stop someone buying me a new batch of them the next Xmas - relatives, eh? Can't keep 'em down. These included the Mask of Magnaminty which absolutely promised to get rid of that darned acne but by now a pattern and formed and my DNA simply refused to accept any contact with Lush. LOL. This disgusting gritty paste is like something your dad would use to pebble dash the house - I mean really, what is it? Colgate and gravel? It has the most awful synthetic fragrance and is pretty much no good for anything - least of all acne. I went on to try a solid shampoo - "Mummy! Mummy! I feel dirty" - and a "revolutionary" solid deoderant. A smelly time was had by all. Overall my point is that Lush products are very expensive and not up to scratch. The packaging, which like the rest of this harebrained brand they clearly believe to be highly subversive, is a disgrace. That's the truth but unfortunately a lot of people are blinded by the eco tactics. 

The best thing about Lush is that they test on willing human specimens rather than rubbing their stuff in some poor bunny's eye, but apparently some animal testing stunt they pulled last year was so sick it made all this feel a bit hollow. I think I might also have read that they are a little bit sparse with the truth because they do test individual ingredients on animals. Or maybe that was The Body Shop? Can't remember, sorry. Put down your hatchets, Lushies.

As a side note, it always amuses me to think of conversations being brought to a very unhappy end when people say: 

-OMG I love your perfume! What is it?
-Gorilla...by Lush

I know they're hippies but now they're just being SILLY.

A cold, clinical look at the physical attributes of male tennis players

'Tis the season to be jolly! Yes, it's the most wonderful time of the year: mid-way through Wimbledon. As I have spent recent afternoons rigorously examining this year's totty looking tanned and taut in their bright whites, I thought it might be nice, nay necessary, to catalogue some of the beauty I have been treated to. Apologies for such a very low-brow way to blog. It's not like Bossy Thing will become the Kickette of tennis - "Smashette"? - but as a one off we'll let it fly. Some of them are in, some of them are out - of this year's tournament that is. So who's on the - by no means exhaustuve - list? Tempting as it is to say "all of them" and point you to the WTA website, I thought I'd pick the real stunners. So strap yourselves in and prepare for some awful tennis-based innuendoes and jaw-dropping n00dz.

Top 10 hottest male tennis players 2013:

10. Marcos Baghdatis (Cyprus)

Proud Cypriot Marcos might not be the most obvious looker, but he has a funny "bonkers" persona, as well as a nice beard and perpetual smirk. It all adds up to something undeniably sexy. Brilliantly he's looked exactly like this since he was merely a child in the junior tournament. His "skills" are hinted at in this pic:

9. Roger Federer (Switzerland)

I can't say His Royal Highness does it for me, but Roger has lots of lady fans. Both of them are adamant he's shit hot. Good source of Toblerone. Probably showers after sex. Has fat wife. 

8. Nicolas Almagro (Spain)

 

"Nicolas Almagro bulge" charmingly appears to have it's own Google images category - to which I can only say "Amen, seestas". Twenty-seven year old Nicolás is no biggie in the tennis stakes but don't let that put you off. He has plenty of other attributes to make up for it, like that aquiline schnoz and rumoured bad 'tude.  I wouldn't mind putting my hand in his pocket and feeling his tennis balls. If you are into homoerotics, may I refer you to this pictorial:

7. Fabio Fognini (Italy)

Fabio was lots of fun to watch at the French Open this year, or maybe he just had PMT that day? He was all over the place, to be frank, which would end in lols-aplenty if he became your next bf. Also likes posing for "artistic" pics.