Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Pity post

"I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?"

That's a quote from the film Stand By Me and I don't think I could be more in agreement. When I was about 18, I went through one of the worst things that's ever happened to me: my two best friends ditched me. Now I think about it, it does sound a bit pathetic but it's true. I really do see my life split in two: when I had my BFFs, then when I didn't, like some kind of social orphan. I had been best friends with one of the girls from the age of three, and had known the other one from the same age, though she had initially hated me. It was when we were 18 that the final severence occurred, though it had been building up to it for two years at that point. It happened largely because, in the UK, Big School finishes at 16 and, in most cases, you have to go to another school or college to continue studying. Unfortunately for me, my BFFs decided to go to a well-known all-girl posho school at this point, whereas I - poor low self-esteem me - didn't quite feel up to it and went to a craptacular college, unrenowned everywhere.  I think it was then that my BFFs noticed how much they hated me after all, that I could no longer be part of their gang because I wasn't made of the same stuff as them with their solid plans to go to "U-neh" then a very, very serious career. I was no longer cool either, demonstrated by my shyness and a reluctance to engage in social frivolities, weekly trips to Oceana till 3am, going round town in a limo, you know the kind of shiz. I think the fact that I looked - and most of the time acted - much, much younger than I should have started to really bother them. Well excuse me for being the child I was. So we went from our school days, doing everything together virtually all the time, almost closer than sisters, to frenemies within a few weeks of starting our further eduaction. Then when we got to 18 and they both went off to university, we seemed to become full-on enemies - in their eyes at least. I was open to staying friends, but was "too childish" for not wanting to go out on the town. They told me it was extremely immature of me to still expect to meet up and do daytime things like shopping. I had been replaced with many new, better friends from the posh school. The last time I saw them was extremely uncomfortable because they were openly discussing their plans for going out which of course didn't include me.  It's difficult for me to describe the big, gaping hole they left in my world. All I can say is that my mind seems never to have accepted that they are no longer part of my life. Literally every dream I have, they are there by my side, just like old times. The nasty, critical remarks my BFFs used to pass on my figure, face, clothes, everything have formed the self-loathing voice in my head so I can never feel stupid without hearing one of them bitching about it. It wasn't like I particularly minded them saying mean things about me because the warm embrace of friendship more than made up for it. I know that if I could only find new friends then my mind could get over it and stop bringing them back to life.

I have never joined Facebook because, other than not having a whole lot of people to add, I can't bear the thought of my ex-BFFs looking at photos of me, saying horrible things - which I know they would - and scrutinising my life, which unfortunately never turned out that well (bit of an understatement) unlike theirs. I have looked at their FB pages and from what I can see they are in totes amaze relationships with wonderful careers. I don't know what they'd think of me if they knew my life has been so hard I have seriously considered hanging myself and that I never actually recovered from the loss of their friendship.

It really isn't as easy to make friends any more, as a grown-up.The way my former BFFs turned on me has made me very wary of girls and I just can't seem to keep a friendship going nowadays. It always starts off fine but then I seem to do something - though I am never quite sure what - and bam, game over, they won't talk to me any more. Sadly, my mum is the same, she also struggles to understand the mysterious rules of friendships and mainatins very few. I've concluded that it's just one of those things that eludes me, that maybe I was born to be lonely. Not gonna lie, it has its plus points. I don't know if I could be bothered to navigate my way through all the politics and snide remarks any more. Friendship served its purpose of protecting me from all the horrible twats at school and for that I will always be very grateful. But now I make no bone about admitting: I don't have any friends. I can't say I crave friendships like I crave a relationship but that's another story. Au contraire, I can put all the energy I used to put into two nasty girls to write this blog and a million other things I enjoy. I don't think there should be in any shame in not having any friends, it's just one of those things. It makes me feel sad and terrible when I think about all the things I've missed out on but I still try to see the funny side. Don't let the bastards get you down and all that.

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