Wednesday, 14 January 2015

My most embarrassing school moments

 *This blog post contains very strong language and crude imagery*
Today I had such a laugh reading about people's embarrassing school incidents on Reddit that it made me want to impart my own moments of shame. The only trouble is, the ones I've seen on Reddit and Yahoo are such small fry compared to my own that writing about them is quite, erm, embarrassing in itself. I mean I have dozens and dozens of occurrences to file away in my personal cringe archives, and most of them involve my extremely poor bladder and bowel control. I also embarrass very easily which puts me under an even more intense spotlight of shame. Nevertheless, the following incidents all really happened to me during my school days and I hope you'll be able to ROFLMAO with me because your own moments of shame will fade into obscurity against mine - guaranteed. Tbh it's just nice to be able to have a laugh about it; it certainly makes a change from bitter tears at 4am. Let the cringe begin.

  • Not long after I started secondary school, when I was eleven, I got weird feeling in my stomach in the playground after lunch. I didn't think much of it, but I probably did a while later when it turned to severe diarrhoea - during class. Being a meek child  - very meek - I asked to go to the toilet probably two times when it became apparent an explosion was imminent. To be frank, though I had that awful colicky feeling, nothing much would come out but the freaky feeling in my tummy wouldn't go away. I (stupidly) kept going back to class only to become desperate again after a few minutes but then the teacher started getting pissed off at me and I didn't dare to ask any more. So I...y'know...right there, in my pants. Quite a few times. I wasn't aware of this acronym at the time but: OMG. I thought it would draw more attention to myself to ask to leave the class so I sat tight and pretended all was well. The other pupils began to notice. "Someone's shat themselves!" My face puce, I laughingly agreed and told my besties, "Oh no, I think I trod in dog muck earlier." I remember changing classes at least once in this state. It was much worse in the food ed room because the chairs were hard plastic stools. (Hard stools. Unlike mine. Har har.) God knows what the particularly mean teacher thought when she found liquid faecal matter on one of her stools afterwards. I never asked her. I was very upset when I got home from school that night and my knickers had to be cut off.
  • The secondary school I attended had a lot of very rough, mean boys and that, coupled with normal teenage self-consciousness, led me to get a phobia of reading aloud to the whole class. Despite it being obvious that it was unbearable for me, the teachers seemed to ask me to read to the class more than anyone else - a crude attempt at immersion therapy, p'raps? I think my worst experience with reading out loud was one day in English class: I got in such a state after the first few sentences, and shook so much that I choked. I actually choked, dear reader, in a very audible manner. But being a pleaser I tried to keep going. It was literally the most humiliating thing ever. If YouTube had existed then, it would have been a viral sensation.
  • In another English class, everything was very quiet as we concentrated on what our well respected teacher was saying. I was in a reverie, I'll admit. I thought he said my name, prompting me to answer whatever he was blathering on about. So I piped up loudly, "UM, UM, ERM." Everyone turned and looked at me. Because he hadn't said my name at all, just a word that sounds a lot like it. I am such a bumbling fool, it's amazing I've never been sectioned tbh. Onward we shall cringe.
  • Ah, the long jump of humiliation. Actually I can't remember if it was long or triple jump that I was doing that day. I was good at athletics and they were my faves. I know I had been in a rush to get changed and for some reason hadn't put any shorts on under my PE skirt. Rookie mistake. All I had on underneath was an extremely inadequate* (*baggy and old) pair of knickers which was just daft. Anyway, with lots of other kids watching, I took a run up and did a great jump. But the male teacher, next to where I landed, called it null - I had my foot over the board. That's not what was embarrassing though. It was that my skirt was up, my legs were open, my knickers had shifted to the side and my whole vagina was exposed :O If anyone noticed they didn't say so. 
  •  Having a large pimple on picture day wasn't nice :.( and for some reason they allowed the entire year to crowd around and watch as we were called in alphabetical order for our celluloid humiliation. I was up second and I could hear the taunts as I tried to ACT NORMAL for the camera. "You don't have to look so scared," the photographer announced loudly to the room. Cunt.
  • The Lord only knows why but for some reason they got a judo expert in to give as a PE lesson one afternoon. I so wanted to be like one of the fat girls who had perpetually broken wrists and dodgy knees - they always got to sit the lesson out no questions asked. (The one time I was coming down with severe flu and asked to sit out stupid netball the bitch forced me to do it.) Anyway, so I got forced into this bloody judo lesson. I was that kid who looked like a starved eight-year-old from beginning to end of secondary school and there was this girl, let's call her Fanny, who absolutely hated me because of said physique, my pallid complexion, my posh accent, goody-goodyness and childlike lack of cool. School is nothing if not a brutal character assassination, that's for sure. Fanny was a tall, chunky beast of a girl with a real mean streak - if you would like to see what she looks like now,  shoot me an email. She may have got skinny but I can still see the fat, mean bitch she really is :) So guess who Fanny chose when the judo instructor asked who she would like to fight in the middle of the room with all the other kids encircling? Skinny little me of course. Rather than put a stop to what was an obvious case of bullying the judo TWAT forced me to face Fatty in the ring. I gave it my all but it was pretty much Chihuahua vs pit bull. All the other boys and girls jeered and whooped and taunted as Fanny crushed me against the floor within seconds. I felt upset and humiliated but maybe not as much as the boy who got an infamous boner during his bout.
  • Assembly always made me nervous because I was so afraid I would have to go up on stage in front of the whole school but I always relied on the belief that I was pretty much safe as long as I didn't volunteer for anything. I mean, they can't literally force you, can they? Pfff. I don't think they give a shit how much they violate you quite honestly. So one day I got to assembly a while before my little group of friends which was unusual - they normally got there early and chose us some good seats away from all the horrible boys. This day I got us some seats away from the hoi poloi and it seemed fine, they came and joined me and assembly began. We had one of those idiotic Gideon's bible fundamentalists yammering on and on about whatever boring shit they tried to indoctrinate us with. Suddenly he was saying, "Everyone look under your seats, one of you has got a sticker underneath and you've got to come up here." Fuck me, it couldn't be could it? It just couldn't be. It fucking was. I can admit now I didn't actually check under my seat because frankly I didn't really give a shit who had it. Next the fucker was walking straight to the back of the hall, straight at us, his walking stick pointing right at me. "I've got MS and you've made me come all the way back here," he berated me, like I cared a flying fuck about someone I didn't even know. I could feel my friends turning to look at me, more than six hundred people turning to look at me, my face engorging with blood. I still don't know wtf this pathetic exercise was supposed to prove but he gave me a chocolate bar that my "friends" said rustled loudly throughout the rest of the whole assembly. It took me at almost ten years before I could tell my mum about this because part of me died inside that day. I have hated Gideon's International ever since and I personally hope to see their downfall within my lifetime. 
  • In concurrence with my weak nerves, I startle, or jump, very easily - and not just at loud or sudden noises but lots of other things too, such as suddenly being touched. One day during a science lesson we were being given a demonstartion with everyone crowded round a bench with me near the front when midway one of the bastard boys threw a pen at me and it clipped me round the ear hard. I jumped so badly I nearly fell off the stool. It must have been bad because he actually apologised. Once again I was the butt of the joke. Sucks to be!
  • I had an extremely weak bladder and lol'd til I weed myself on a regular basis. Sometimes I would even wee myself standing at the bus stop and faced a whole day of feeling gross with no way of changing. The first few seconds when the urine is warm doesn't feel too bad but when it's cold and wet, it's just miserable. Buy some Tena Ladys, girl. I often left a little wet patch behind me on the plastic chairs and I was rightfully very self-conscious of standing up at the end of lessons. I must have really stank - I definitely did because just recently I found a note my friend had written me that said "Hi smelly". I didn't see it at the time, luckily, but she was spot on. I must've smelt bloody terrible. It was my friends' fault for making me laugh so much - I haven't done it since I left school purely for the fact that nothing ever makes me laugh like that any more :( 
  • There was a really nasty group of boys in my form group who came from the nearest city. They were already going to clubs by the age of 13 and getting into real criminal mischief. They were already men, essentially. It was quite a shock to find myself having to be in close contact with them, believe me. I was but a scrawny child among ruthless thugs. I suppose it was my pale, skinny appearance and air of vulnerability, but I became a figure of fun to them and every time I saw them - at least twice a day - they would shout abuse at me and intimidate me in a very cruel way. That fat bitch Fanny and her beautiful and perfect BFF Angie, the school hottie, would watch and laugh as these Mean Boys taunted me. What really hurt was that the girl I sat next to wasn't that different to me but they ignored her picked on me relentlessly. I would think, what is it about me that is so different and strange and terrible? One day in particluar I will never forget because suddenly all these boys plus a few from a different form all converged on me, they were all surrounding me shouting abuse and laughing. One came right behind my chair and held my shoulders so I couldn't escape. I'll never forget that feeling, it was absolute humiliation. It was an embarrassing moment because Fanny, Angie, the girl I was sat next to and all the other kids, they didn't do anything. They just sat and watched and probably joined in the laughter. That's what really hurt. Hey, if you want to know what any of those boys are like now, definitely just shoot me an email and I'll tell you their FB! They are just as scary now. I see them in the court list from time to time.
So there's a selection of my most embarrassing school moments. I know that last one is not so funny for me, in fact I had a little tear going over it again. Please tell me what your most embarrassing moment was at school....I would love to know :))

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