Embarrassing behaviour witnessed on Instagram

So I told you guys already about my cringey encounter with a really hot guy on Snapchat. Well, he himself had an even more embarrassing moment on Instagram not long after, which made me feel vindicated. Even though he has nearly 1,000 followers I'd wager that not many of them picked up on what actually happened. Over the Christmas period Mr Snapchat, we'll call him, went on holiday and started a relationship with a local girl. This was documented with many IG posts: their hands entwined at McDonald's, her dragging him into the hotel elevator, post-sex selfies. This was when I still held a (virtual) candle for him and I felt a bit sick with jealousy. Then he came home, the selfies stopped, though he kept mentioning his girlfriend on Twitter. I can only guess that it was at this time that she stopped contact with him for whatever reason. But Mr Snapchat couldn't let it go. He started posting subliminal stuff about bitches always being bitches. Then he must have got really desperate and he posted an intimate snap of the two of them snuggled up with their tongues poking out. He geo-located it so it seemed like it had just been taken back at his holiday destination. But the next thing he posted was from home. So it was clear he was at home and the intimate pic had been taken weeks ago when she was still into him. And she totally ignored it. Ouch. Hurts when people are mean, doesn't it Fat Boy? He has now written SINGLE on his bio and is following lots of girls whose usernames all end in 98. I guess I can understand more now why he was snappy - do excuse the pun - during our exchanges on Snapchat. It was when this girl was trying to do the ditch'n'dash and when I wouldn't send a bunch of sleazy pics, he got extra pissed off and I ended up blocked. What can be learned from all this *Jerry Springer voice* is that when someone rejects you, it's imperative that you accept it or at least appear to accept it. If you persist in throwing yourself at them, Mr Snapchat style, with increasing desperation, it will only feed their dislike of you and social media is the worst place for this to be played out because you don't know who might be watching. And feeling all your embarrassment for you.

When someone you love marries a foreigner and goes native

In the last few years I have become aware of a strange phenomonen. Actually I knew of it in a different form when my brother worked in a gun shop and his girlfriend fully pretended to love clay pigeon shooting just so she could catch him in her trap (pussy). 

But some gals take it a step further. They go all out to get their man; fully native, even.

This one girl I know - let's call her Ann - is crazy for black dudes. It's probably racist to say bitch got jungle fever, but she's craving big dark donkey dicks like I crave mac'n'cheese. She actually went and lived in Italy for a while when she was about 22 with the soul intent - it became obvious - of hooking up with one of those African refugees who just doggy-paddled across the Med on a shipping crate with ten of their friends. 

Not joking, this actually happened.

I'd love to have been a fly on a palm tree when she paraded past one of those gangs of skanky, idle young Africans you see on Donal MacIntyre exposes. You know the ones that live in encampments made of people's old trousers on some industrial wasteland in an Italian port city? 

In a matter of weeks she'd picked up a Nigerian who was supposedly about 30 but, to put it politely, he had obviously seen a lot of life and must have been pushing 50. He doesn't know exactly because he never had a birth certificate. 

A month after her arrival in the Big Boot they were married - legally bound for all eternity. El oh el oh el.

After a visit home to the Motherland, where the locals had never seen white flesh before, constantly harangued Ann and corn-rowed her hair, they came back here to the UK to live. They are still together eight years later with a growing son who has a name that sounds a lot like Ibrahim - so everyone thinks he's a Muslim. He just had to have an extra special name because he wasn't extra special enough already, haw haw.

The really weird thing in all this is how Ann now behaves. It's like she's had a personality transplant or, should I say, a nationality transplant. She would actually appear to believe she is an African.

She's lived in the same tiny English village as me all her life, is a bumpkin, small-minded, ignorant. God knows where this lust for black men came from, it's all white as snow in these parts. But she obviously feels she was wrongfully displaced from some Nigerian village.

She gets her hair done in an Afro salon even though she's got fine European hair. In her work as a sewing lady she now only uses African fabrics. All her Facebook posts are pictures of jollof rice and plantain. She sends her son to primary school in traditional robes and a turban on non-uniform days. She lives by African proverbs and speaks the way a noble old Nigerian lady might - "My husband presented me with a rose on this day".

Soon I fear she'll be using an umbrella to shield her from the sun and carrying the shopping in on her head.

She gets freaked out when Hubby boils a whole pig's head or nibbles on chicken feet but accepts it and loves it all 'cos it's so darn foreign and cute.

This has all been quite embarrassing to watch from afar - as Scott Mills would put it, I've got goosebumps on my cringe glands. 

Another woman I know, Sharon, is exactly the same only her husband is from RRRoma, as she would say,  so she has had to become totes Italian. All her FB pics are of pasta, she can only accept friend requests from people called Giuseppe and Anna Maria, and she called her son Matteo, which sounds really stupid when you say it with a Wiltshire accent. 

Her speech is littered with Ciao and Grazie and in general she has found a way to exude an amount of faux Latin spirit. 

CRINGE.

Similarly my brother, who prefers Eatern European women, now lives happily as a Ukrainian with his wife and two kids, who amazingly somehow escaped being called Artem and Oleksandr.

These three examples all have common traits. Utter deperation to be married to anyone, anyone at all. Such a total insecurity and lack of self-esteem that they have failed to hold onto to their own culture, eschewing it for another that seems foreign and therefore better.

People also seem to fetishise foreigners to a startling degree; perhaps there's something colonial in it.

Look, ladettes and geezers, it is possible to retain your own culture, dignity and sanity when you marry one of those sexy foreigners. Their language, food and everything else is not superior - just different. Get over it and be yourself.

#famzoned

So remember my Chat shit post about my chats with really annoying, hungry guys on a popular language learning app? Basically, I ended up talking to just one in particular and douchebag is so green he uses his real full name email address as his username - so it only took the top Google result to find out he is married with a baby. This was a few months ago and, as he was far too eager, I put him off by not replying for a few days. He seemed to take an absolute bitchfit at this and I didn't hear from him again for a month or so. 

One day I got bored and thought I'd message him again for shits and giggles, and a while later got a reply with all insecure shit about how he thought I was bored with him blah blah. Anyway, we've talked loads since then. He is of a nationality I have always found fascinating and exotic but boy has he put me right off them. He's taken the magic away. He is so boring and self-centred, ranting on and on about how awful his dad was to him and other topics that really shouldn't be brought up on a popular chat app. Our chats are so mundane it actually makes me LMAO. I make up tons of crap to tell him, because little white lies hardly compare to a wife now, do they? It was funny when I asked him if he would stay in the UK for a long time and he was like, "It's actually a tricky question because I met someone over here and we had a child. But we don't get on and are breaking up." 

Let me assure you, one look at his wife's FB page tells me that is very much not the case. They look like any other annoyingly smug, lovey-dovey couple who can't stop putting their baby as their profile pic. I suppose I could end his marriage, all it would take is some screenshots and one email to wifey. JK. I'm not going to do that because he annoys the shit out of me. She must be blind, deaf and dumb not to see what an epic c-to-the-unt her chap really is. She seems totally blinded by the "OMG look everyone, a hot-blooded foreigner fancies me" apsect that a lot of women get taken over by. It's not something I understand - a twat is a twat no matter the accent. I actually enjoy showing him how much I don't care about the stupid, cheesy compliments he showers me with - shit like: "Men should have to queue up to be able to talk to you", "You're so funny/clever/cute" and that we have so much in common we must be soul mates. As if, bastardo. He even acted like he had never heard of my first name before, going, "OMG such a beautiful name, I love it" - but I know for a fact it's also his wife's BFF's name. Ha ha ha.

I totally get it, his wife's past 40 while he's 34, she looks like shit since she had a baby and can't stop going on about breastfeeding. It's exciting to talk to a girl like me in my 20s, impulsively nipping to Gregg's, going HAM over the new Jay Z album. My world is completely different to his. Men are men and they like excitement in their lives. If you stop washing and can't get over the fact you had a baby, of course a man is going to want to cheat. It's dumb to pretend otherwise. Maybe I should send this blog post to his wife.

Anyway, I may or may not have invented a new way of srsly putting him off me. I like to call it putting him in the famzone. I continually call him "my brother from another mother" and tell him how much he is like my brothers. Trust me, it works. It makes men feel too weird to want to sleep with you any more. Brills.

A cold, clinical look at the physical attributes of male tennis players

'Tis the season to be jolly! Yes, it's the most wonderful time of the year: mid-way through Wimbledon. As I have spent recent afternoons rigorously examining this year's totty looking tanned and taut in their bright whites, I thought it might be nice, nay necessary, to catalogue some of the beauty I have been treated to. Apologies for such a very low-brow way to blog. It's not like Bossy Thing will become the Kickette of tennis - "Smashette"? - but as a one off we'll let it fly. Some of them are in, some of them are out - of this year's tournament that is. So who's on the - by no means exhaustuve - list? Tempting as it is to say "all of them" and point you to the WTA website, I thought I'd pick the real stunners. So strap yourselves in and prepare for some awful tennis-based innuendoes and jaw-dropping n00dz.

Top 10 hottest male tennis players 2013:

10. Marcos Baghdatis (Cyprus)

Proud Cypriot Marcos might not be the most obvious looker, but he has a funny "bonkers" persona, as well as a nice beard and perpetual smirk. It all adds up to something undeniably sexy. Brilliantly he's looked exactly like this since he was merely a child in the junior tournament. His "skills" are hinted at in this pic:

9. Roger Federer (Switzerland)

I can't say His Royal Highness does it for me, but Roger has lots of lady fans. Both of them are adamant he's shit hot. Good source of Toblerone. Probably showers after sex. Has fat wife. 

8. Nicolas Almagro (Spain)

 

"Nicolas Almagro bulge" charmingly appears to have it's own Google images category - to which I can only say "Amen, seestas". Twenty-seven year old Nicolás is no biggie in the tennis stakes but don't let that put you off. He has plenty of other attributes to make up for it, like that aquiline schnoz and rumoured bad 'tude.  I wouldn't mind putting my hand in his pocket and feeling his tennis balls. If you are into homoerotics, may I refer you to this pictorial:

7. Fabio Fognini (Italy)

Fabio was lots of fun to watch at the French Open this year, or maybe he just had PMT that day? He was all over the place, to be frank, which would end in lols-aplenty if he became your next bf. Also likes posing for "artistic" pics.