The top bun that killed all top buns.

There was much hilarity to be extracted from the two tarts who got caught with a couple of stones' worth of coke in their bags as they made their way through Peru's airport. The best lol of all though was surely Michaella McCollum Conelly's hairdon't, a donutted mega beast that makes it look like she's got another noggin growing on top of her own empty one. She has yet to be pictured over there with a different style. Really, what's she hiding in there? Is it stuck, like Princess Anne's? Perhaps the only thing holding it up is the collective will of an entire nation (Ireland). Let's hope the police did the sensible thing and got Officer Sniffy to give her giant plop knot the once over - though possibly the only suspicous white powder in there is heaves of dandruff. Eww. But we can only pity her. The gobby Northern Irish slattern has bigger things to worry about - like how to avoid the shower block for the next 30 years.

Speaking of dire trend overkill, Cheryl Cole took the tattoo thing further than most by getting her back, sack and crack - and possibly arsehole, too - covered in the sort of design that adorns 18th century canal boats. Sadly it looks more like a huge infected bed sore. No wonder the poor thing can't keep a man for five minutes.*

*Sorry