#famzoned

So remember my Chat shit post about my chats with really annoying, hungry guys on a popular language learning app? Basically, I ended up talking to just one in particular and douchebag is so green he uses his real full name email address as his username - so it only took the top Google result to find out he is married with a baby. This was a few months ago and, as he was far too eager, I put him off by not replying for a few days. He seemed to take an absolute bitchfit at this and I didn't hear from him again for a month or so. 

One day I got bored and thought I'd message him again for shits and giggles, and a while later got a reply with all insecure shit about how he thought I was bored with him blah blah. Anyway, we've talked loads since then. He is of a nationality I have always found fascinating and exotic but boy has he put me right off them. He's taken the magic away. He is so boring and self-centred, ranting on and on about how awful his dad was to him and other topics that really shouldn't be brought up on a popular chat app. Our chats are so mundane it actually makes me LMAO. I make up tons of crap to tell him, because little white lies hardly compare to a wife now, do they? It was funny when I asked him if he would stay in the UK for a long time and he was like, "It's actually a tricky question because I met someone over here and we had a child. But we don't get on and are breaking up." 

Let me assure you, one look at his wife's FB page tells me that is very much not the case. They look like any other annoyingly smug, lovey-dovey couple who can't stop putting their baby as their profile pic. I suppose I could end his marriage, all it would take is some screenshots and one email to wifey. JK. I'm not going to do that because he annoys the shit out of me. She must be blind, deaf and dumb not to see what an epic c-to-the-unt her chap really is. She seems totally blinded by the "OMG look everyone, a hot-blooded foreigner fancies me" apsect that a lot of women get taken over by. It's not something I understand - a twat is a twat no matter the accent. I actually enjoy showing him how much I don't care about the stupid, cheesy compliments he showers me with - shit like: "Men should have to queue up to be able to talk to you", "You're so funny/clever/cute" and that we have so much in common we must be soul mates. As if, bastardo. He even acted like he had never heard of my first name before, going, "OMG such a beautiful name, I love it" - but I know for a fact it's also his wife's BFF's name. Ha ha ha.

I totally get it, his wife's past 40 while he's 34, she looks like shit since she had a baby and can't stop going on about breastfeeding. It's exciting to talk to a girl like me in my 20s, impulsively nipping to Gregg's, going HAM over the new Jay Z album. My world is completely different to his. Men are men and they like excitement in their lives. If you stop washing and can't get over the fact you had a baby, of course a man is going to want to cheat. It's dumb to pretend otherwise. Maybe I should send this blog post to his wife.

Anyway, I may or may not have invented a new way of srsly putting him off me. I like to call it putting him in the famzone. I continually call him "my brother from another mother" and tell him how much he is like my brothers. Trust me, it works. It makes men feel too weird to want to sleep with you any more. Brills.